Yesterday I was walking at our local mall before the stores open. Walking, for me, is a spiritual thing. I walk not only for exercise but it brings me closer to spirit and the universe as I see it. As I walked yesterday morning I worked on just letting go of any worries so that I could get guidance and messages and lessons from spirit.
It’s always surprising to me what comes to me and that walk was no different. It was my relationship to men all these years that came to my mind and began playing out in my head like a slide show. As I watched the show unfold I simultaneously mentally typed out this letter to you.
As a child I was witness and subject to an explosively angry male family member and sexual abused more than once. My overall impression was that men dominated the world and men looked at females as sexual objects they could take advantage of. I was fearful of men and I learned to cope by keeping at a distance and not making trouble.
As a teenager I began to drink too much and then became the opposite of my sober-self and used my sexuality to get attention from boys. I thought that’s what boys wanted. That push/pull got me into a heap of trouble and lot of pain. I never thought I was pretty enough, skinny enough or worthy of love. I was either a sex object or just an innate object that wasn’t of any value.
At 22 I married a young man who had an explosive temper, thus setting myself up for a very difficult, scary and lonely marriage. My volatile and explosive husband used his anger to keep me afraid and to keep me close to him. I was afraid to leave him and convinced myself he couldn’t live without me. I was not a priority in my life and he always came first.
As a young adult I started my first business and joined the ranks of the male-dominated world as a young and assertive entrepreneur. Throughout the decades I worked shoulder-to-shoulder with men and created numerous modestly successful small businesses. I learned to work with men in many aspects. But even though I may have appeared as an assertive, progressive, fearless woman there was a whole other internal side of me that only played out at home.
Beginning in my 40’s I experienced a shift in my thinking. I began a quest for a deeper healing of my spirit. I started going to weekly talk therapy and explored deeper meditation practices and spirituality. I entrenched myself in self-help books and personal growth classes. I was learning how to really love myself for the first time. And I learned a lesson that has become what is now my life’s mantra, “Love and Let Go.”
It was through all this strength building and growth that I gained the courage to e-mail my husband that I wanted a divorce. The e-mail was not sent in anger or fear but of love and letting go. I became brave like I had never been brave before. I knew at that time whatever happened it would all be okay.
It was in that peaceful, loving, letting go of my husband and loving myself that a stunning thing happened to my husband. Within three weeks of receiving the e-mail, on one sunny summer day, my old husband walked out the door and a completely changed, new man walked back in. It was a true, modern-day miracle.
It will be two years in June that he completely changed his life. Now he is truly the most compassionate, loving, kind man I know. It’s been quite a ride, the last two years. The full story is for another day but I felt it was worth touching on here so you fully understood my journey with men.
So let’s go back again to at the beginning of what I will call my time of “Big Changes.” I began studying energy healing and Reiki. As I do with most everything in my life I quickly submerged myself in the process. I took a boatload of classes and got my certification as a Reiki practitioner, among other certifications.
During my studies I asked some female friends if I could practice energy healing on them. I’m grateful that most of my friends are open-minded and enthusiastically agreed.
With energy healing we place our hands on people and the energy that we draw fourth from the universe goes through us and to our hands and towards healing or relaxing the person receiving it. It’s an intimate, compassionate and loving experience. I was learning and growing as an energy worker and helping people in a new way.
Meanwhile my husband Chuck and I were experiencing a completely different relationship and I was learning, very suddenly, a side of a man I never knew…a gentler, kinder side. It was puzzling, confusing and, after I began to let my guard down, awesome and beautiful.
After my certification as a Reiki practitioner I began to put all the years of study to business practice. I rented an office space and I formed different gatherings, meetings and guided meditations (of which you are part of if you are receiving this).
My first official energy healing appointment was made via text. When the person arrived for their appointment I was very surprised that the person wasn’t female, as I had assumed from the text. (His name was easily mistaken for a woman’s name.) It was simply ironic that the first person I laid my hands on in my practice was a man. The universe gives you what you need and it was clear I was meant to continue to have a change of heart when it comes to men.
You see, in the even more recent past I never would have been comfortable with the intimate process of energy work with men. No way. I hardly ever touched men. It made me incredibly uncomfortable. Yet that day, when that man came to me for help, as a person, a vulnerable, feeling, gentle person, my own fears completely dissolved in place of my desire to help him.
There have been other “messages” from the universe that I needed to heal my emotional baggage with men. Since starting my health and wellness business I have sent out periodic e-mails like this one to my groups on Meet Up. Ironically in all the e-mails I have sent it has been MEN who responded more often to my e-mails, expressing their thankfulness for my honestly and expressing to me how what I wrote helped them.
Yesterday as I walked around the mall I realized how my mission to help others has also helped me in a way I never would have imagined. Part of my healing…and that of many other women like me…is to come to a peace and a deeper understanding of our relationship with the opposite sex. And let me tell you I am really learning to appreciate men as individuals…and as evolving, growing, expanding, loving people. Letting go of that fear is liberating.
So in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, the day dedicated to All-That-Is Love I have to say thank you to all of the men in my life. If you are reading this and you happen to be one of the men who has entrusted me to be part of your own personal healing, know that you too have taken part in my healing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. We are all connected, each and every one of us.
As I rushed out of the mall doors, the bitter cold wind whipping around me, I got to my car and noticed that the car parked right next to mine was the exact same model/make and color of the last car I owned.
Side by side in all its symbolism were my “old self” and my “new self.” I opened the door to my car, got inside and with a smile looked over at my old self parked next to me. Taking a moment I felt a rush of gratefulness flood my being. I took a deep breath, looked once more at the car beside mine, started my car and drove home.
Ask the universe for guidance and life lessons and then be mindful of looking around you for the clues that will give you the answers to what you really need. It’s that simple.
It is my deepest hope that this personal message has helped some of you. If I haven’t yet met you I hope I do some day and for those of you I have had the pleasure of meeting I hope to see you again soon. Happy Valentine’s Day.
With love always,
Sandy